Hello everyone! Well I know this blog is dead but recently I’m really unhappy about the changes that are going to happen so thought I should get it off my chest. Firstly my boyfriend is going on holidays for two months; honestly I know things are not going to work out and that this could really be the end. My last boyfriend went on a shorter holiday and things ended badly when he got back. The reason is because I just don’t do long distance relationship especially for this long period. I guess if you really love someone then it would be ok? But I guess I’m self doubting my love for him? It really is unnecessary for him to go away for so long but because not long ago his best friend went back there for good, he’s going over there longer to spend time with him, and who am I to force or question how long he can go on holiday for? I’d rather not be selfish and childish about it and let it be. Whatever happens happens right? Everyday I’m going to be questioning what he’s doing or where he’s going or who’s he with, call me insecure but who isn’t? I’m just not that bad that I negatively think what he’s doing and don’t believe him. Honestly I trust him enough but then not every night ends the way its suppose to be, especially when drugs or alcohol or desperate chicks are involve, so what am I supposed to do? Take his word? Not easy as it sounds. Occasionally I think of ending the relationship before he leaves but then again it’s not that easy, not easy to let go of someone that has been with you for 18months. This has been the longest relationship let alone most serious, I have future plans to marry this guy yet why can’t I come to terms that things will be okay when he gets back? Because in two months there will be changes, whether it’s for the best or not I can’t really tell. I always think about how I can just stand up and tell him that don’t expect me to wait for you and don’t expect everything is going to be the same when he left because it truly is. I thought if I worked heaps and kept myself occupied then it will be ok? But how am I supposed to do that when 90 percent of life revolves around him? Impossible!  Not to mention that mum doesn’t trust me when I go out because she thinks I’ll do something stupid, like hook up with another guy? Pfffttt... Quiet unbelievable...not only that but I don’t get clinical and no way will I be working heaps until couple weeks later, life sucks right now. I’m just making the most of what is left, and then learn to work around it all. I’m just learning to accept everything and let it be. Shit happens, you just have to build a bridge over it and move forward. I’m already feeling depressed and antisocial, as much as I say I will party hard when he’s not here, but how long can I honestly keep it up before I become tired? Not long at all...I’m honestly thinking maybe I should not speak to him or talk to him?? No phone calls no texting and maybe this is a lighter way of letting things go? As hard it is to let go of someone, two months is enough to let the feelings go, however memories can never be erase. At the moment it’s really 70percent this relationship will end. I really don’t want to tell him that because he’s holiday won’t be a holiday. I truly hope it doesn’t end, but whatever happens, happens...that’s all for today, enough of me being depressed...sayonara! xxxxx

just when you think things are going right, it only takes one hit and everything fals down hill. I seriously don't know what to think or care anymore. I feel like an idiot and everything i beileve in are all lies. Im so hurt and can forgive but never forget...

Today was a pretty awesome day, i spent the day catching up with tako as its been ages and then went to find my baby since he finished clinical. After handing in his stuff headed back to his place to watch a movie and nap a bit. Halfway through the sleep i woke up to check our results from our finals and we both got two passes and a distinction! it was awesome until after dinner....

Today i really realise that i'm truly a burden to him, i always have to make him worry about me and he can't even have a fun night, to get pissed drunk without having to worry about how im going to get home...i just wanted him to have a fun night with his boys, but i guess i couldn't even do that...

Maybe i need to get my act together and get my p's so i don't have to hassle him. I made a good day become such a bad night, destroyed the mood, expecially when its supposed to be his early bday... i couldn't even tell him what i was feeling without even breaking down and crying, its hard facing someone you really love...

I can't even let him have fun with his friends without causing trouble...what am i supposed to do?, im really lost and feel as guilty as ever...i can't stop crying and don't know why im so emotional nowadays, i was a strong person before, i'm not anymore...

i feel that i haven't done anything but make him worry for me... am i really worth it?

Maybe its about time we need a break from each other, and he needs space and time to spend with his friends..

xoxo nancy

sometimes when one thing goes right in life another tumbles down.

I don't know where to start, the last 6 months with my boyfriend has been the best memories of my life, we share both happiness and sad moments, but i don't know what's wrong with me lately? i feel as if i'm expecting to much off him or the fact that i'm just confused over all?...im really lost and don't seem to know what i want and even if i did i can't seem to talk to him about it, because i feel that everytime i bring things like this up, its like a sign of the relationship ending. It hurts me to know that i could be hurting him, so i choose not to speak about it. I guess it gets to the point where you can't hold it in and blogging it is the best way to get it out? From the beginning i've always been an independant person and till this day i beileve so, but it wasn't until we didnt see each other for 5 days that i realise how much i relied on him. I feel like i've lost my independance or just the freedom of being single before? i don't know whether for sure this relationship is for me but i do know that i really love him and that without him i'd be lost, to me 6 months is a very long time, others might feel that it's not, but its quite a record, as i can barely last 1 month with anyone. Sometimes i wonder is it really them or is it me pushing them away? am i really afraid of getting hurt? as much as i would like to deny it, i think i'm really afraid of getting hurt, i've been used way to many times and my heart still remains broken in many pieces. I sometimes question where i stand in his life, he's always told me i come first for everything, but i see that i'm truly not. I've seen how he's put friends before me and it fustrates me that they don't even deserve it, but hey who am i to judge who he can be friends with or not or just the fact that they've known him longer than i have? either way it makes me feel like just another person equilevant to his friends. Even when i try to explain this to him, he doesn't seem to understand me, after countless explanations he still doesn't get it, i guess he can't see it from a girls perspective. i just want that feeling of being important, just like his family, and as hard as i try to tell myself that he needs to get away from me and have fun his mates too, i just find it really hard to cope. As hypocritical as it sounds, on one side i'm telling him he needs to hang out with his mates buh on the other hand i feel like i'm placed like on the same level of his mates, am i a selfish person? and no im not a insure person, because he can go clubbing and have a girl rubb themselves on his cock and ill still be cool about that, but i just don't want his friends to be telling him "wow you really settle down, don't see you as much" it makes me feel bad to know that i've impacted him bad and made him settle life too early, he's still young and so am i, buh this is the phase in life where i feel that i'm ready to start a family and he's not or should not be. There's also another thing that fustrates me, i feel like there's so much i don't know about him, things that he hasn't told me or chooses to not tell me, i want to know everything about his past, i feel like he's always hidding something when i ask him about it, he always tells me he doesn't like to talk about it, because it's sad things, but hey everyone has sad stuff in life and sometimes you have to sit with the past, before you can walk away from it. I really wonder what went on in life back then for him, mostly his relationship life? i don't know much apart from who's his ex's are and what they look like, or just the fact that their a bunch of fucken dumb sluts? as rude as that sounds from the main stories i've heard, they both deserve to be cheated on, it makes it funny that it's from one guy, just like a bold and beautiful episode but in real life, but in the end i couldn't care less about them or what they do, as long as they stay away from my man, because they've hurt him too much. I'm a big beilever in karma and one day they'll get what they deserve 10x worst. I really wish he could tell me, because i'm so afraid to ask, as i already know what the answers going to be...i just don't want to be two years down the track and have him tell me oh yerh me and her went out before i went out with you, or me and her were seeing each other and were good friends now, i don't like lies even if there white lies, because these lies are what's going to eventually end our relationship? im not jealous, and will never be because everything i want in life i will get, it just fustrates me, because it makes me look like an idiot, or that im not trusting enough to be told these stuff, maybe i'm just thinking to much and there isn't anything else in his past that i don't need to know, buh i don't know that and either do you, only he does...at the end of the day i try to not think about it and hope for the best. Communication is a big issue in this relationship as much as you can see we don't tend to talk alot about stuff like this and it just gets bottled up and slowly bursts out, i just hope that one day it won't be me screaming at him for stuff like this and i really don't want to be making a mistake and questioning myself what if?....

At the end of the day i truly love him and would do anything for him, but whether this relationship holds steady or falls down is really up to him. I know every relationship there are bridges to climb but i seem to be both unhappy and happy with him..  If i can't be understood then maybe it's fate that we weren't meant to be together. I really hope it would be a life long journey together, well thats all that needs to come off my chest, feels better to let it out, no more burdens or thinking to much. I'm off to bed, take care guys. xoxo night